Taking A Breather

You’d hope it will help, taking a breather that is – I mean, I was hoping it would. A part of me was sure that it would give me some clarity regarding my very hazy future.

I was running 100-120 along the South Luzon Expressway with Sister Bubbles singing songs/prayers from the upper room, quite ironic because her songs are slow but I was running fast. Bro.Javie told me that LD Retreats usually end early after lunch, around 2-3PM so I was determined to get to Tagaytay by noon so I can still have time for myself and do a quick visit to Fr.Mimo is St. Augustine Major Seminary.

Driving to Tagaytay is always a joy. I can’t count the times I’ve driven to Tagaytay, few times by myself, most with friends. Maybe it’s the pleasure of getting away from the city and getting some fresh air, feeling the cool breeze and seeing greenery that excites me to go. I love the fact that it’s just 2hours away and last Sunday it only took me 40 minutes to get there.

I had lunch in Kitaro overlooking Taal. I was determined that time alone will help me think about future career plans. My initial thoughts tried to focus on that but I my mind couldn’t help but think about how apathetic I have become when it comes to our country. I used to be one of the most updated people I know, I used to give NatSit talks or short overview of the Political situation of the country. But I barely read the paper nowadays or watch the news on TV. I used to be well informed giving the right to criticize the government and complain about the education system. As I was devouring my California maki, I asked myself if I have indeed lost the ability to care about my country and how did that happen?

It led me to writing this in my journal -

“The state of the country is just so depressing.

About four months to go until election time and I find myself not caring. A huge part of me has lost interest in the state of the country. Ella, my registered nurse friend who will most probably move to Chicago soon ,to work as a nurse, tells me I’m patriotic. She told me this after we talked about the possibility of her raising a family either in USA or in Canada as her boyfriend is Fil-Canadian. It’s just that I don’t see myself living and growing old abroad. Migrating has never been an option for me and I don’t think it ever will. Ate Marj, the ever reliable admin officer of SLB (Simbahang Lingkod ng Bayan), asked me last Friday if I never considered working abroad. I also answered No and Never and answered without hesitation.

Perhaps to a certain degree, I am nationalistic – I guess.

I don’t appreciate what I’ve been seeing and reading lately. I only browse through newspapers and the very few things I read I am not happy about. The fact that elections are coming up makes everything worst. Those darn politicians’ faces are all over the tabloids and TV again. Campaigning isn’t supposed to start yet but they have their ads already about laws/bills they have passed.

I’ve seen a glimpse of those potentially running and a part of me wants to puke. Will I even vote this year having no good choice at all? (except Butch Abad, I admire the guy. Will he really run though, I’m not sure).

For sure there’s more to patriotism that merely staying and not migrating to USA or CANADA. For to stay and not care is but a waste; to stay and not do something about poverty and corruption isn’t loving our country. Question though – Do I still have the capacity to actually really care and move toward helping rebuild our nation? So far, the answer seems to be no, not anymore.”

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After lunch and a belgian waffle from Starbucks I headed to Fr. Mimo for a quick hello. I listened to him practice for a concert he’ll hold for the Bishops. I must admit that the lyrics of some of the songs they sang hit me straight to the heart – almost saying, I can never turn my back on Serving God. Wherever road life takes me, I shall always find a way to serve God.

When I got to Karis, their mass just began. Although I already heard mass, decided to join again as I found it hard to reject Norman’s, my sister’s officemate and our friend, invitation since he even picked me up outside the session hall. After mass, their graduation rites took place which took about 2 hours to finish. It gave me time to read and reflect. Sadly though my reflection led me nowhere but to mere random thoughts about life in general.

I was hoping it would help, I hoped it would give me some clarity – but it didn’t. I’m still as confused as ever, undecided about the career path to take. But it was a good drive, a good break nonetheless.